I’ve never been so sure that my path as a healer is what is calling me. So many things have led me to this point; I already knew I am a healer and have been called to a mission that is centered around the basic theme of helping others heal- with plant medicines and more. But this, was an entirely different type of healing- I didn’t even realize I was equipped for.
My Human Design incarnation cross is the “The Left Angle Cross of Healing (46/25 | 52/58).” I first looked this up and delved deep into it about a year and a half ago and it was the first time I recognized my purpose as a healer. I had already come into alignment with all of my passions and my own health (I’d been through a lot with my PCOS journey and found homeostasis holistically) and the explanation of this incarnation cross hit me deeply as I perceived it to relate directly to the work I was doing with plant medicines, diet and healthy lifestyle. I hadn’t read any further into it- until right now, after my experience in Sedona which had me confronting my capacity to help others heal in a completely different container.
This cross states: You are here to be love and heal through love. The energy of your cross supports you to do this with others. Your energy is focused on love of the body and being in the body. You may not always see much in return, but your power of healing through love will make a big difference in the world around you.
I had prepared for this in ways I did not even know. I have immersed myself into the psychedelic space- selling mushrooms, connecting with leaders in the space and brand owners, staying current on decriminalization laws and news, working with brands to reach their consumers, and reading, watching, overall educating myself the most I possibly can on every substance- effects, positive and negative outcomes and uses; recreational vs. therapeutic. I’ve had experiences with these substances myself, both positive and negative, both overwhelming and underwhelming. Nothing can really ever prepare you for a “bad trip”- and sometimes a bad one is actually a good one disguised in darkness.
That was along the lines of what I’d witnessed on this mushroom quest. I, myself, had consumed roughly 4-5 grams. This high of a dose wasn’t always so tolerable for me. I’ve been microdosing consistently for the past year now- and have definitely built up a tolerance to psilocybin which has increased my receptivity and functionality with the medicine. What used to feel uncontrollable now feels easy, and has allowed me to break through barriers in my own conscious and subconscious mind.
Don’t get me wrong, this 4-5 gram dose absolutely sent me for a good 2-3 hours, lol- IN THE BEST WAY. I was off the rails- laughing my ass off, being weird as hell in public trying to even find the words to speak to our waitress (NOT the move to ingest all of this right before a dinner outing), getting the full body tingles and starting to see the walls/patterns move and colors pop. The type of trip that also comes with significant come up anxiety, but the pure elation, laughs and escape from the matrix are so absolutely worth it. It’s the giggling with best friends for me— nothing is ever going to top that form of complete joy and carefree energy. It’s moments like that that remind us what it is to be human- to feel purely and with an open heart, and allow ourselves to be overtaken with wonder even in the mundane.
As we left dinner, the trip escalated in the car on the way home- music, laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, staring at the stars in awe- all the good stuff. Making our way back into the airbnb, I started to come back into my 3D reality. This is where it all takes a turn.
Sarah** had ingested, I assume, about exactly the same amount. Also an experienced tripper, this isn’t something she’d expected to phase her much. A few of us took note that during dinner, she became very quiet, went to the bathroom, and when she came back wasn’t speaking much at all. 20 minutes into being back at the Airbnb, she retreated into the master, got completely naked, had taken a handle of tequila and a knife and started to completely lose her shit. I snapped out of it with the vision of her standing in the doorway- knife in one hand, bottle of tequila in the other- again completely naked, yelling “I don’t want to do this,” and could see that she was near crying. Her best friend had been in there with her for some time, but I decided this was too serious not to intervene.
Trip fully paused- I sobered up and took a deep breath to align my own energy then went in there. It was complete chaos. Daria**, her best friend, looked at me in complete disbelief and said “I have no idea what to do… I’ve never seen her like this. We’ve done so many psychedelics together and I have NEVER seen a reaction like this. Should we call her Mom? I’m honestly scared.”
Taking a seat next to Sarah, I just sat, observed and processed it all for a moment. She had been completely overtaken by the medicine. I said to her- “Sarah, you are completely fine. You are safe, protected and surrounded by people who want the best for you.” Her pupils were extremely dilated and her stare didn’t waver. She didn’t answer me, but after she looked at me and just started rapid-fire asking questions—
“But why are we here? Why can’t I speak other languages? Why don’t we know? How did I get here? Why are you you and I am me? Where did we come from? BUT WHY CAN’T I SPEAK OTHER LANGUAGES I don’t understand!? What happens when it ends? Where do we go? What if there isn’t more? Why… Why.. Why..??”
I looked at Daria and said oh my god- I really had to laugh. Everything that was coming out of her mouth made me chuckle because these are questions I also ask myself. Everything she was saying was spiritual in nature and indicating her attempt to understand life from a more evolved view, a non three-dimensional view. I knew what she was facing- a complete ego death, a removal of her own physical self and view of her own life on a metaphysical plane. That was also the indication physically, as she spoke I could tell nobody was home, she was most likely blacked out, but her spirit was speaking. Her spirit had actually never been more alive.
I continued to sit next to her and reassure her, although I knew she wasn’t going to hear or absorb anything I had to say. The rest of the girls asked- is she going to be OK? Do we leave her alone like this? How long will this last? I said- she’s completely fine, we should check on her every 20-30 minutes, and I’d guess it could last up to 6-8 hours, but it’s hard to tell how hard she is tripping/ how much she actually ate. I realized her reaction was much more like an ayahuasca trip than mushrooms, and applied what I had known about it/ that process to this experience.
So I turned off the lights, put on some very chill happy music, got her comfortable in the bed with some water and left her to it. I checked back about every 30 minutes, and she had continued the same cycle over and over— repeatedly asking the same questions, rocking herself back and forth. She had migrated to the toilet to pee and continued sitting on it, again asking the same questions over and over. Which lasted for probably a collective 2-3 hours.
By 10:30 or 11PM, she had completely snapped out of it. To her accord, she recalls that she started to come out of the haze in bed and became very embarrassed and confused, so she sat there for a full 30 minutes trying to process what’d just happened before coming out to join everyone. And when she finally did- it was as if it’d never happened. She was completely back to normal, returned fully to her sober, waking state, as if not just questioned every mystery of the universe in a dimension beyond our comprehension.
Before she emerged, I sat with the other girls as we tried to understand how her trip spiraled this deep. There were a few conclusions—
- We were in a group of 10 total girls, 3-4 of who have very big, extroverted personalities. Sarah was admittedly not used to hanging out with big groups of girls, let alone used to seeing the strong supportive dynamic the few of us had with each other and she defaults to “competition” mode.
- At dinner, my friend Mary** and I connected hard with Daria, her best friend, and not so much her. To look back at that and realize— her best friend was getting a lot of attention from two girls she was intimidated by which felt threatening to her.
- She had recently experienced some heavy relationship trauma and was going through some tough health issues with her family.
In my conclusion, the mushrooms were forcing her to confront multiple shadows in an environment that felt uncontrolled and unsafe to her. Not only was her central nervous system processing unresolved trauma and deeply stored emotions, she was being forced to question the nature of her social reality and relationships by watching the interactions between the rest of us. The reflection of this will reveal the true reality of what she does and does not have in her own life, which is why self conscious, nervous and intimidated reactions/ thoughts surfaced for her, which we saw lead to this downward spiral. This is a great example of how set and setting can affect the direction of your trip, and how a “bad trip” can happen in a less-than ideal environment.
After her emergence, I further reassured her and let her know- you’re safe, don’t be embarrassed, we’re all here to support you and everything is completely fine. At first her attitude was slightly avoidant, but the next day the 2 of us had an extremely beautiful, vulnerable and touching download. She told me- “I felt so comfortable with you.. I told you things I don’t even feel comfortable telling Daria.. why? Why can’t I tell my best friends these things?… I should be able to..”
I told her that sometimes it’s easier to confide in people who know nothing about you- who can’t judge you from previous experiences or project their own opinions based off of shared experiences. But having her tell me this sparked a lightbulb in my own thoughts— realizing that this is one of my superpowers. To be able to hold space for others and allow them to communicate freely and be completely themselves, while I simply just guide- reminding them that they are loved, safe and free. My life’s purpose is healing in multiple capacities— and holding space is one I had never actually recognized before, but was already doing in many of my own relationships, past and present.
The acknowledgement of this aspect of self has led me to realize that I need to use it. Of course I am already using it, as mentioned, naturally in my existing relationships, but that there is more that can be done. Whether I decide to actually pursue trip-sitting, or just use these experiences as a means to educate and help guide others, we shall see, but it was a beautiful and unexpected experience that taught me as much as it taught Sarah.
Because psychedelic experiences are so personal and having guided trips are (generally) widely illegal in our country, I encourage anyone interested to do as much research of their own before experimenting with any plant medicine. The things that come to surface can be both difficult and amazing, and reactions (good or bad) can be unpredictable. Although I’m not a trained “trip sitter,” I encourage anyone who’s curious or seeking any sort of guidance to reach out to me. I love sharing my own experiences and knowledge that I’ve collected, and connecting about it all is the only way to normalize this type of healing as we see our society move towards the integration of psychedelics for therapy and away from big pharma. The integration aspect is what can easily be overlooked— anyone can have a psychedelic experience but it’s about what you DO with that knowledge and how you apply it to your life moving forward, that is so massively important.
By no means am I a trained or practiced trip-sitter. I am no Shaman nor do I think I am one- and I’m no expert by any means either. The purpose of me sharing this experience is to point out that these things can easily happen and it’s important to have someone in the group who can redirect the energy if necessary. Thankfully my own research and past experiences allowed me to handle this gracefully, although this is a circumstance where a professional (ideally) should have been present.
** names have been changed for privacy.